The decisions of families

 Every family is different. Each has its own culture. It is interesting to see the difference in traditions and customs in every family, especially those in areas relatively close to each other. There is an immense number of factors that influence the family. Some of these influencers could be their community or the relationships parents and children have. Another influence could be the education of the parents or the children. An additional major influencer to the culture of a family is religion. 

My parents come from two very different families. My mother was born and raised in Rexburg, Idaho. Her ancestors have been living in the United States for generations. Her father worked at a car shop that he started with his brothers. My father was born near Chicago and moved multiple times during his childhood. His father was from the United States as well, but his mother was from Samoa and had immigrated to the United States at the age of seventeen. My grandfather never really had a stable job and relationships were strained at home.

As many may know a difference in culture can cause many problems. One need only look at European colonization to see an example of this. My parents have experienced this. My mother said, “The first time this clash of two cultures was felt was when we were engaged to be married. [He] decided he wanted to save up some money before he started his own family. So, he returned home to live rent-free and got a job for the summer. For 3 months he worked construction full-time for 8 dollars an hour. He should have brought to the marriage after that summer more than 3 thousand dollars. But to his young bride's surprise, he only had $300 dollars. Where did it all go?!? I asked in devastation. I couldn’t understand. I wasn’t familiar with different family ideals. I assumed his parents would be supporting him to earn money for school, and supporting a new family, even if it was just a young bride. After all, that’s what my parents would have done. But instead, when he got home his mother looked at his paycheck as money she could use to support herself and her family. Your father spent the summer feeding his younger siblings and giving his earnings to his mother in other ways she needed. When he came home to work, his culture naturally looked at it as another income to support the family.

I look at it now differently than I did then. Back then I thought it was craziness. What mother would do that, take money from a son trying to save for his family’s future?!? Now I understand the cultural differences, and why it happened. I work with the culture, after all, I love [his] people and his culture, and I love my mother-in-law. Is it wrong if they are not doing it the way I grew up? When I was first married, I thought, yes! Now I know my yes! was wrong. It’s just different, not wrong. It is just important to know how they think, so you can make your own decisions, for your own family, and what’s best for you.”

Even though my parents came from two vastly different backgrounds they were able to form a high-functioning family. How were they able to do this? It was through their common commitment to one of the major influencers to culture. Their equal commitment to their religion was key in helping them from the family culture that I enjoy.  My father is fond of telling me and my brothers a story when a little before my parents got engaged, they had a serious conversation on how they wanted their families to be. He paints this as a key part of their relationship and was part of the reason he decided he wanted to marry her. Both of them had previously decided what kind of culture they wanted in their family using their religious beliefs as a guide and because of this, they both were able to work together to make their family as they planned, even if there were some difficulties. It is important for all of us to consciously see and decide the way we want our families to be and influence our culture for the better. It is the way to create functional families and the way to improve those around us.